...the man you couldn't be.

A burdened heart leads me to this post.  My thoughts are scattered, I am confused, and I am questioning so many different things in my life.  I may ramble, I may get off topic, but that's what I made this thing for...a way to accept reality.  I have felt really bad lately, physically.  No matter how long I sleep I can't get enough rest and I am exhausted throughout the day.  A special person has been put in my life, for reasons I am unsure of.  This professor called me out and told me she knew I was having problems without having any information from me on our first meeting.  She suggested ways for me to get better, to have more energy, and to eat well.  Today, she held my hands in front of a class full of people and prayed  for my healing.  I do not know her at all and she doesn't know me either; but I know that for some reason she has been put in my path.  Never have I met a professor that cared so much about my life.  She suggested that I pray, hand everything over to God, and believe with all of my heart...and I did.  I began to feel better in no time and I thought "whew, things will be okay now."

A few hours ago I got a phone call...very similar to those I have received lately.  A phone call letting me know that my "daddy" is back to his ol' evil doings...doing his best to have me put behind bars.  I question his intention, his thought processes, and his sanity.  I am a 19 year old college student striving for a future, I don't ask him for a thing, and yet all he wants to do is ruin my life because his sucks.  Constantly worrying whether or not I have warrants, if I am allowed in my own town, and whether or not today will be the day I take that dreadful ride in the backseat of a car for something I have not done, this is killing me.  I would expect this kind of life if I were hanging with the wrong crowd, selling dope, or robbing stores...but I am none the like.  I go to class everyday, and study for what is left of the day...EVERYDAY, as I have for the last thirteen years of my life.  To wish to have me put behind bars in a place of such filth when my immune system is at record lows makes him a very low individual.  I've always heard that money is the root of all evil, and I believe that with all my heart.  I never thought I'd see the day when my own blood put the cash in their wallet above my significance.  But hello world, today was one of many.  He calls himself a Christian man...and people wonder why so many others don't want to go to church.  If that is what living a "godly life" is all about then who is interested?  I am just hear to let you know, what goes around comes around, and I wish you luck getting forgiveness for blasphemy.  You are not going to make me fail; I will prevail.  You, however, will reap your rewards and the day isn't coming soon enough for me.  I never expected to have a wonderful life but Lupus and Chemotherapy were never as bad to me as you are.  I recall some of his last words to me, "Have I not give you everything you've ever asked for?"  Yeah, you did, my every crying need...but buying me stuff doesn't make everything better...you bought for me so you could brag about how much you spent.  Money and belongings doesn't have a bit of meaning to me when I don't have your love.  I have learned to live without it and I hope you are learning to live without mine.  I do not hate...but I am so close to it I can taste it.  You were responsible for my birth, however, you are not my daddy.  Your place has been taken, another man will walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and when the time comes for the father/daughter dance I will tell him how much I appreciate him being the man you couldn't be.