Mr. Guitar player could you give me one line...

It's hard to explain this knot in my stomach, for this feeling for me is the first time.  You learn quickly that it's not the ones you think you should be worried about, but those that seem to be absolutely fine.  I do not understand, and I dare not question him; however, now the world is weeping for such an amazing man.  They tell us to not grieve, he's in a better place now, because his name is now written in that blood, and his bare feet are touching gold.  It feels unreal that this could even be anything close to real, this is one miserable pain that only time will heal.  I scream, I cry, I think, and I do it all over again.  I wish I could have told you one more time just how much you will always mean to me, to us, to all your nieces and nephews- to your sisters, your Mom & Dad, your cousins, and your fiance.    To look at your pictures, you seem so alive; there's that sparkle in your eye that's telling me it's all going to be alright.  This is something I do not know how to handle, my mind is so distant.  I love you and I always will, we always will!  I have these last two exams to finish before I can get back home, so be with me guardian angel.  Shine that pretty bright halo on the right answers, and please don't slap me in the face with those huge wings! ;)  I have a joke to tell you, Uncle Ray, I'll tell you all about it as soon as I pray.

Undefeated Tower

Although I tried to avoid the television screens yesterday in attempts to avoid recollection of the World Trade disasters...the emotions somehow managed to find me.  I'll never forget where I was, how I felt, what I thought, what I was told, and what I saw on television.  It was a hard day for me, as it was for the entire country.

There have been several instances in my life in which I have felt that something bad was going to happen.  I didn't know what, when, where- I just felt uneasy.  The morning of September 10, 2001 I was sent to the middle school counselor's office for a panic attack.  She assured me that I was simply nervous from my recent upgrade from elementary school, that nothing bad was going to happen, and that I should just calm down.  The next morning, she was pulling me out of class to apologize.  The scariest feeling in the world is knowing that somehow you knew the disaster was going to happen before it did, and yet you could do nothing about it.  I've had these feelings many times- and most of them something unfortunate resulted.  So, that's why I prefer to not watch the footage, or hear the screams...at least not on days when I have school work to complete.  When I reminisce it has to be when I have plenty of time to cry my eyes out, and conceal my blushed face. Yesterday, I just could not avoid it; therefore, I cried myself to sleep. 

I prefer not to see the gloom of fire, but the glory that it once was instead.

It doesn't help that for the past week or so, I have had that eerie feeling again.  It's currently inhabiting my chest and my gut, weighing heavy, as if a rock has bound me down.  It's like a trap, moment by moment waiting for it to happen, but uncertain of what "it" might be.  I prefer not to talk about it, writing comes much easier.  I am a firm believer that God works in mysterious ways.

Almost exactly a month before I was diagnosed with Lupus, I was at an all girls all nighter for church.  We watched A Walk to Remember, but I fell asleep within the first ten minutes of the movie.  The next morning the pastor's wife told me that Mandy Moore had literally played the role of a "grown-up Kayla" in the movie.  I didn't know what she meant by that (I assumed it was the slight resemblance between myself and the actress); however, a month later I found myself a patient of chemotherapy treatments.  I finally watched the entire movie about a year after my diagnosis, and I just cried.  How she could have possibly known that a "grown-up Kayla" would be so intense, the LORD only knows.  The disease I face today is not the same that Mandy suffers through in the movie, but yet in many ways it is similar.  The emotions that follow such circumstances are unbelievable, unexplainable, and a bit frightening. 

Very few will understand how this specific scene relates to my life.

Sometimes I feel like God gives us signs, warnings, hints in life.  

Sometimes we chose not to yield the right away.

Sometimes we roll through the stop sign.

I'm asking for special prayer, that whatever this feeling may be, that God will be in charge of it.

I cannot handle it on my own- it's difficult and painful.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe." Proverbs 18:10

Cry? Talk? Write?

I read a Facebook conversation today, regarding tribulations and whether it is best to cry or hold it in, talk about it or tell no one, or write versus leaving it in your head.  The responses were different made by a variety of people.  All answers could in some way be justified, and there is someone out there that can relate to every single response.  I, however, have my own opinions that differ from any idea I laid eyes on today.

Cry?  There's a time and place for everything, it is suggested to use your best judgement as to where an okay place to cry would be.  In the middle of a job interview, or a final exam obviously would no make the list; but at home in your bedroom, in your bathroom, at church- those places might, depending on the person.  I try not to cry, and yes I hold it in sometimes more than I should.  I don't like making myself seem vulnerable, and when people see tears many of them see just that- vulnerability.  But when I am alone, when I'm sure that I will not have to give an explanation for my puffy red face, I'll let it out.  The shower is a good place, you can always say you got shampoo in your eye ;)

Talk?  This one is tricky, it all depends on the subject, and who you are talking to. For the most part you would only talk about serious issues to those who you know you can trust, people you are sincerely connected to, and those who know you best.  Through experience I know that most of the time you can predict what the person will have to say to you.  That's when I say it is best to chose your ears carefully.  You want someone that will be honest with you, who will not judge you, and who will be there no matter what- but you also do not want someone who is going to completely go against you making the situation worst.  Most of the time I chose not to talk, because when you are upset you say things you generally don't mean, or exaggerate on something that may not be that serious and the person listening can take what you say and use it later, against you.  Some people just don't understand that the burdened simply need someone to listen, not always someone to give advice.

Write?  I have met very few people who said that writing made their situation worse.  However, in those few I've heard "Writing only makes me think about it more and makes it worse," or "Writing makes me rethink everything and the anger stirs all over again."  Most people find relief in writing though.  I sincerely suggest it.  It doesn't have to be something for anyone else to read, it doesn't have to be grammatically correct, or spelling-error-free.  Just a collection of your thoughts, ideas that just need to be released.  Writing allows me to enter a world of peace where "freedom of speech" is 100% granted.  I can say anything, about anyone, at anytime, and it's between me, myself, and God.  I have a collection of private writings, and this blog which is obviously public.  For me, it is the best way to relieve a burdened heart. 

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28

I'll answer at judgement day- not here on earth.

The rain is tapping on our shutters, I hear the laughter of the children next door splashing in the mud puddles.  Now, at this very moment, is the perfect time to write, because outside of these walls God is blessing me with my favorite weather- and the much needed rain for our environment.  

Ever get the feeling that you're being judged?  That no matter what you do someone is thinking negatively about you?  I don't like to front- what you see is what you get.  I consider myself a genuine person, I express my opinions, and I embrace my life as my own.  Others, however, pretend to be sweet and innocent- hide the excessive profanity, revealing pictures, and the nights on the town.  But yet I am the one in the spotlight.  I am the one who is damned to hell because I have tattoos and piercings.  I have learned that I need not depend on anyone but myself.  No one knows me like I know myself.  Their opinions do not matter.  I wish I could embrace the life of "family" like I once had, or that you read about other people- but the fact is simple, it no longer remains, and I am just as happy without it.  I am not sure how someone who professes to be heaven bound could judge me like that isn't a sin in itself.  "You won't make it to Heaven with that on your shoulder," was the exact words my grandma rehearsed to me a little over a month ago.  Guess we will meet in the other place, because one sin isn't any greater than another.  My decision to decorate my temple isn't any worse than you judging me.  I often wonder why people always pick out the negative things in a person's life to focus on.  I do not drink, I do not do any type of drugs, I don't hang out with the wrong crowd, I don't let my grades slip, and strive nothing more than to be a good person, to be helpful, and to be successful.  That, however, is not the person you would understand me to be through someone else's eyes.  Very few people will graciously accept the goodness of an individual and embrace it over the bad.  It is the very same people who will instantly be concerned about my health when I'm sick, suddenly feel the need to tell me that they love me and they are praying- then suddenly when I'm better I don't matter anymore.  If you aren't concerned when I'm well, please don't bother with being concerned when I'm under the weather.  I'm a pretty strong girl, I've handled it this long and I will continue to handle it for as long as I live.  My birthday rolls around and I don't get a call, but it's alright.  If you can live with it, so can I.  It may seem as if I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, sad...I'm not.  I'm simply just saying.  People's ignorance only reflects their own character, not mine.  I'm one of many who is a victim of such- and one of few who will speak up about it.

My message would simply be: Be your own foundation.  Between you & God, you can handle anything.  Lean not upon the understanding of someone else, but only upon your own.  Live your life the way you understand to be right; convictions will follow if you're making the wrong decisions (or at least that is my opinion). 

You don't have to agree, that's the good thing about life- we all have our own minds and ideas. 

In The Heat of the Night

I have a list of blog topics, which to choose? Them all, of course.  But I must take this one step at a time.  I want to say everything all at once, but then I want to break it down and fully embrace each topic until my heart is content.  

Novels are my specialty; reading, analyzing, learning, connecting.  Through the stories of the author, whether factual or not- I develop a relationship with the characters that seems as if everything is literally taking place before my eyes.  Romance, murder mysteries, and plots of the civil rights period are generally my forte.  Each genre has its own source of adrenaline for me.  Scenes of making love, stabbing the chest of a victim, and black folks fighting til death for the rights they deserved.  The romance, however, is my favorite to indulge in.  The maturity of this blog is a little more intense than usual, and I will say things after this point that do not go along with Christian moral and values.  Keep in mind that I am 20 years old, my life is my life, I have my own views, my own plan, and my own morals- if you feel the need to judge, you might as well stop here.  

The love scenes from a book draw me in deep, I am immediately interested and refuse to put the book down;  I know many of you feel the same.   There's that adrenaline- the heart beating, wanting to know what will happen next; waiting for them to make the significant move as they slowly make their way embracing one body part at a time.  While some things that we read are relevant to some individuals lives, for the most part the audience will say "I wish I had that, or I want that!"  Authors tend to make the whole moment seem so perfect, so intense, so ready to go at it.  They do that because they know what people want to read.  From ideal stable relationships to the situations of adultery...those scenes remain the same despite their morality.  I'm currently in the middle of The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb, a story of the Columbine High's school nurse and post traumatic events of her life; a there are parts in the book that led me to this post.  Usually Nicholas Sparks reels me in- he has a passion for writing, and obviously a passion for love.  A simple quote, that could be taken any way you'd like said "Hold her and lie naked with her."  At this point in the novel nothing happens, nothing has happened, only a man wishes something would happen.  But in all honesty, not just the man...me too!  His wife is in prison for reasons only the book should reveal- nothing to do with her marriage or her husband, though.  After being locked away for three years and being introduced to a beautiful woman- he wants her.  He wants to feel the love, feel her body, feel the release of himself inside of her, because for so long he has gone without the touch that a man needs in his life.  While I know it isn't the moral thing to do, and I know it would be a crazy twist and possibly leading to a destruction of his current relationship I still find myself encouraging him to embrace this woman.  I won't reveal any further quotes, because I don't know who might run across this post; however, I feel that sometimes I find myself taking mental notes.  That would be perfect.  I've got to remember to try that.  I've got to tell him about this.  These are ideas that circulate the mind of a woman reader- whether she likes to reveal them or not.  Not all ladies, don't get me wrong.  But many of them.  This may even be true for gentlemen, but finding one to admit it may be an issue! ;)  I have found that one of the best ways to get a lady "in the mood" is to introduce her to a breath-taking bundle of pages enveloping the intense sex life of two characters. 

...thank you, OIB...

The beach this weekend was amazing beyond words- a place of peace and relaxation like I haven't known in quite some time.  Staring out upon the waves crashing upon the shore, seagulls swooping down for crumbs that children left in the sand, hearing the laughter of surfers and sea shell collectors, and thanking God for allowing this moment in time to be what enveloped the last of my teenage years.  I've been to the beach many times, although not as many as the typical person living in these parts.  My sensitivity to the sun forces me to keep my distance, but once a year I am reunited with the world of paradise.  This trip, however, was one like none other- I embraced the nature before me rather than the "fun."  Photographs and books reveal this mystery emotion perfectly, but to actually experience it leaves one feeling blessed.  To have no place to be, no time to be there, and no walls closing in on all fours is a vacation all in itself.  I feel refreshed, thank you Ocean Isle.  

Like in all enjoyable aspects of life, the devil tried to intervene this time as well.  Before I was diagnosed I had a beautiful pecan tan- believe it or not.  After that I was instructed to consider the sun and fluorescent lights enemies.  My current paleness would probably be considered my biggest insecurity; however, I manage and usually do not have to face it.  On special occasions I get spray tans, and I am the perfect complexion for photographs.  This beach trip allowed me to constantly be reminded of how "pale" I really am.  My best friend is tan and wears it beautifully, I am pale and I wear it beautifully as well (or at least I like to think so).  On several occasions during our trip I was reminded through Facebook picture comments, and by random strangers that I was much different in color than my friend.  "One you is tan and the other looks like you haven't been in the sun at all," said a man fishing on the pier.  "Yeah, well, I'm allergic to the sun..." I sharply explained as I walked away.  I could have said much more, I could have left him feeling like an idiot, I could have walked away in tears, but instead I gave him the least amount of information I felt that he deserved and went on with my life.  This reminded me of how we should always be mindful of the things we say.  What may seem minor to us may be significantly major to someone else.  Especially when speaking to a stranger, be courteous, be thoughtful, keep your thoughts to yourself.  Although some things are not visible, they have the potential to be there.  I hope that fisherman baited himself a trophy that day...

I am living under my Daddy's roof...

Tomorrow, if it comes, will be embellished with a variety of different emotions for everyone.  Happy fathers being honored, depressed fathers being ignored, evil fathers being forgotten about, saddened children with passed fathers, hopeful families with sick fathers, etc.  This holiday came somewhat dreaded last year- what's the point in celebrating a day for someone who is not a part of your life?  However, despite not being blood, despite not being involved in the whole conceiving process, and despite not being in my life the whole 20 years...I am living under my daddy's roof- and no one can tell me any different!

Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good, often times easier than said.  However, I find that looking around at your life when you think you have nothing will surprise you.  Many of us have more than we give credit for.  If you have a biological father who loves you, takes care of you, show you he cares- love him back, be with him and celebrate; however, if you do not- find a man that is in your life who has shown the love for you like you wish your father would have.  

Happy Father's Day, Johnny Howard!

I love you, Daddy!

"Even when I think I'm writing really young, they say it's too mature." Cynthia Weil

A month later, after the black-and-orange graduation, I realize I have done it once again.  As a child I had problems connecting with children my own age.  It wasn't an issue that required psychological attention or anything, just something inside of me that no one else really knew about.  I recall a time in Kindergarten when my teacher sent a note home stating something along the lines of "Kayla needs to stay in her seat when she is finished with her work and not help everyone else with theirs."  I was completely offended, even at five years of age.  I was trying to help, what was wrong with that?  I finished twenty and thirty minutes before everyone else, what else was I suppose to do?  I am anything but quite- so that was a task all in itself.  

I remember analyzing all my favorite television shows, and how they all had one thing in common- my favorite character was always the oldest female.  In 7th Heaven, Mary was my idol, in Full House it was DJ, and in the Brady Bunch it was Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.  I tried to force myself to like different characters- especially since so many people thought Michelle Tanner was the cutest thing; however, I felt as if I related more to the eldest, even though at the time they were all playing characters much older than myself.  I still do not understand the reasoning behind this- and yes, all three of these remain my favorite.

At age seven and eight my older teenage babysitters seemed more like my best friends rather than my daily guardians.  I did not feel as if I were a child being cared for, instead I felt like I fit in- like I was in a unique friendship.  I looked up to those girls, especially one in particular who happen to be my cousin.  To this day, although I have not seen her face to face in years- I still admire her along with her newly defined motherly lifestyle and her lasting love with the man who she FINALLY married! :)

I say all of this to lead to the fact that I believe God prepared me to be a little more mature for a reason.  Although, I cannot be sure of his plan- I can only imagine.  Two months after my eleventh birthday I lied in a hospital bed while the doctors asked my parents to step out of the room.  Following soon after were the words I'll never forget "Kayla has an autoimmune disease called Lupus...blah, blah, blah."  I felt as if I were in a Charlie Brown movie, for I couldn't understand much after that.  I cried- but not for myself.  I wasn't afraid to die- but I was afraid for my family to have to deal with it.  It wasn't fair to them that I was sick, but for their sake I overcame it.  Eleven years of pre-maturing, in my opinion, was apart of the process to allow me to become a stronger patient.  Two years of chemotherapy are apart of my past, and I am very proud.  I defeated it all with a smile- and today I am doing really good.  Children suffer from worse things all the time, but I continue to be proud of my own bravery and faith- it's what keeps me going today.

Please donate to my Lupus Walk Page! 

Once I reached high school I made loads of friends- they were all pretty much the same as myself, or so it seemed until their senior year.  They walked the stage two years before I did, and that day became a burden.  I promised myself I would not allow myself to continue to become attached to those whom I knew would not be there for much longer, but I did it again the next year- and now I'm guilty of the same situation in college.  A month has passed since the black-and-orange graduation, and I realize that I have again become attached to a few individuals who will not be by my side next year.  It seems slightly depressing; however, it's really not.  I am so excited this time around, because the future holds so much more for these individuals!  I hope that I can have as much impact on at least one individuals life as these girls have had throughout my own.

A junior in college- seems like a dream.

A break from the rushes of the last week of school was indeed needed on my behalf.  Papers, exams, deadlines here, deadlines there, planner all marked up with different colored "to do's," and a summer patiently awaiting!  While all of this seems to be so stressful and almost unbearable- that's not really the case.  While other semesters it has been, this go around is enjoyable.  The feeling of being successful, doing my best, and loving what I am doing is filling a void that I didn't even know existed.  My life as a college student is swiftly passing by as my sophomore year comes to a close; a junior in college- seems like a dream.

I was looking back to my last post- and my was it a dreadful one!  The pain that I had is now invisible as my happiness swallows it like a crashing wave.  Easter Sunday, this past weekend, was a blessing in itself.  One more Easter with Papa- thank you LORD for sparing him one more time!  He hid the eggs in the yard for all of us just as he's always done.  He laughed and cut-up at the table making silly jokes, and he hugged me like a million times.  One gesture that I'll never forget- and he doesn't even realize he did- was when he swooped me into his chest and kissed my forehead with a big ole' grin saying,  "Love you sug..." That man means the world to me!

They'll be patiently waiting for me!

This week I received dreadful news- news that I feared I would hear eventually, but not this soon.  A lady very dear to my heart was placed in a nursing home because she could no longer live by herself and her family lives out of town.  Her daughter informed me that she was not doing well and they weren't sure what else they could do for her.  This lady has had such a major impact on my life, an impact that I am not sure she is aware of.  When Bryan and I were applying to universities we had our choices, our acceptance letters, our money, but the decision was a hard one.  We went to talk to Mrs. Eva Cooper, "Aunt Eva" to us.  Her words of wisdom are always appreciated, and usually followed.  "I know both of you will be successful no matter where you go, but you know I will always support Campbell."  Enough said.  We decided Campbell immediately.  This decision will not seem to be such a life-changing one for those who have not experienced it- but trust me, the rest of my life will depend on this.  I love Aunt Eva so much.  I love her words, her company, her stories about dating Uncle Howard, her laughs, her smiles, her personality, she is such a wonderful person.  This news brought tears to my eyes.  How could such a wonderful person have to be placed in such a terrible place away from her home?!  I had all intentions of staying on campus for the next month, this news brought me home this weekend in a hurry.  Tomorrow I will be visiting her.  My heart aches because I don't know what to say.  I don't know what kind of shape to expect her to be in, and most of all I'm afraid to have to let her go.

Death- scary, dreadful, tears, pain, heartache, memories.

I went to see my Papa tonight; he was just let out of the hospital a few days ago.  He has an infection in his blood stream along with everything else in the world it seems like.  Bless his heart he looks so weak, bruised from head to toe, looks like he's losing weight at a ridiculous rate, but that smile...it hasn't left that handsome face of his.  Those jokes, they haven't stopped coming out of that mouth.  Those hugs, they haven't stopped coming from his arms.  I just look at him, he seems to be suffering but yet he doesn't want me to know it.  I worry all the time that I'm not going to be here if something happens.  What will I do if I get that call?  I can't get here within an hour if I were to get that call.  Have I done everything I can to make him happy and proud?  Does he know that I love him with all of my heart?  I fear this day more and more as time goes by.  My heart stops and my eyes flood everytime I have this thought.  I can't handle losing my Papa, he means the world to me.  I feel terrible for talking about this all the time, because I feel like I'm rushing it or something.  Should I even be talking about his death when he's here and happy?

I've never had anyone close to me pass away.  This experience will be one like no other for either of these individuals.  My heart is burdened for them, however, I know that when the time comes neither of them will have to second guess where they will be.  In the arms of the Lord, brothers and sisters in Christ...they'll be patiently waiting for me!

New Treatment for LUPUS!

Isn't it amazing when trials and tribulations come, you feel there's no way out, then with just a moment things can change and you realize with God there is no doubt.

Just a few days ago I made all sorts of plans, made goals to improve my health & have been excited about doing so since.  Then last night right before it was time to get my Wii Fit on, Bryan told me some really exciting news:  the FDA approved the first drug for Lupus in over 52 years yesterday! <3

This is signficant for me being that in the past five months I was removed from all my Lupus treatment medication because it was having adverse affects.  Until now there has been no other hope, so today I rejoice.  I was very pumped to hear the news but I really didn't put much thought into it at the time...

then, this morning I woke up to an email introducing me to the news of BENLYSTA and reality sank in.

   :)   

As soon as I put it all in God's hands things began to work out.  It took me giving up my "I have to do it" attitude for change to come.  I let him have the burden that weighed hard on my shoulders & with just a matter of time things started looking up again.

I know this post will not mean much to many people, being that sometimes it takes experience to really understand.  But, my point is have faith in God, know that he is there, and one door is never shut if another one will not be opened.

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Lupus Foundation of America Applauds FDA's Decision to Approve Benlysta®

First new treatment for lupus in more than 52 years

 

Watch a message from Sandra C. Raymond, LFA President and CEO.

Watch Gary S. Gilkeson, MD, Chair of LFA Medical-Scientific Advisory Council, and Joan T. Merril, MD, LFA Medical Director, speak about what a new treatment may mean for the future of lupus patients.

Watch Kelly Jean Drury speak about what a new treatment means to her as someone with lupus.

(Washington, DC, March 9, 2011) Today, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the drug, BENLYSTA®, for the treatment of lupus, an autoimmune disease.

Sandra C. Raymond, President and Chief Executive Officer of the Lupus Foundation of America (LFA), has issued the following statement regarding the FDA’s decision:

“This is a historic day for the millions of people with lupus and their families around the world who have waited more than 52 years for a treatment breakthrough for lupus. We at the LFA applaud the FDA’s decision to approve BENLYSTA®. BENLYSTA is the first drug ever to be specifically developed to treat lupus, and is a significant first step toward reaching our goal of developing an arsenal of new, safe, effective, and tolerable treatments. Today marks the beginning of a new era of improved diagnosis, prevention, and treatment for the disease.

“The LFA wishes to thank the physicians, researchers, industry leaders, and the many study volunteers who made this day possible. We also extend a special thank you to BENLYSTA®’s developers, the staff of Human Genome Sciences and GlaxoSmithKline, who have long been committed to the research and development process. These efforts will go a long way in elevating the profile of this disease that remains a significant national public health problem.

“There are a number of pioneering biotechnology and pharmaceutical companies, involved in the research and development of new treatments for lupus, and our hope is that today’s decision will further stimulate additional companies to invest in new therapies for lupus. To build on this momentum and encourage the development of new treatments, the LFA has launched new initiatives that help to strengthen clinical trials. These programs include the launch of a Web-based program designed to train clinical investigators on the instruments used in trials. As well, the LFA recently implemented the LFA Lupus Research Registry which enables individuals to be notified about new clinical trials in their geographic area. The Registry is part of the LFA’s Center for Clinical Trials Education.

“The LFA also is partnering with key stakeholders from industry, government, and the scientific community to evaluate data from previous lupus clinical trials with the goal to improve the design of future studies."

Today is beautiful, the sun is shining bright & I can go out in short sleeves & flip flops.  Today is another victory.  Today, I love.  Today I am smiling.  Today I am not in pain.  Today I am stress-free.  Today I am relaxing.  Today I am lazy.  Today I am resting.  Today I am grateful for.  Today was not promised.

Lately, I find myself boggled down in all the worries of the world.  Situations, whether they involve me or not continuously burden my heart.  I have constant worries about school, health, money, family, friends, relationships, etc.  But the special man up above knew that it was time that I get a break!

So, Hello Spring Break :) You have been wonderful to me thusfar!  I am setting exercising/healthy eating goals that will fit in perfectly with my schedule & I also have a buddy joining me for the fun.  Competition always makes it more fun and more likely to be completed!

I haven't touched a school book in four days & it feels absolutely amazing :) No homework.  No due dates.  No hour by hour scheduling.  No running from here to there.  This is what I needed.

I feel great.  My health isn't necessarily good at this point, but I am fighting non-stop.  I have decided to completely relocate to see different doctors & along with my goals up above I plan to kick this flare in the rear, escalade my blood count, become more active &....

 I will be one healthy girl when this is all over with!

"Perfect couples" shatter to pieces...

College is such a crazy place, just a piece in the puzzle of life's reality.  So many adventures, memories, friendships, and relationships, late nights, supper dates, and unfortunately heartbreak. 

I recall a time back in Kindergarten when my teacher sent a note home saying, as I remember something like..."Kayla needs to learn to stay in her seat, do her own work, and not worry about everyone else's problems."  I only thought I was being helpful.  I hated to see someone suffer, hated to see someone in need, and absolutely wanted to fix everything in my little Kindergarten world. <3

I think about that from time to time, but lately it seems that I recall that note more than ever.  I am in a place full of different people, from different places, different backgrounds, different cultures, different values, morals, beliefs, and different relationship ideas.  I have opened myself up more than ever; expanding the narrow mind that was developed for me in my raising.  I have watched relationships form, relationships carry on, and relationships fail; I have watched some of what I thought was the "perfect couples" shatter to pieces over what I felt were childish situations.  However, college is a time to find yourself I guess.  It hurts to be so close to individuals who cannot find a way to remain one; although it is not my problem...I tote the burden on my shoulders as if it were.  I feel the need to mend everything...I want everyone to be happy and I want everyone to be with the person they love.  I have to continuely remind myself that, "Hey, Kayla, this isn't your world...leave it in the hands of the Lord!"  How true, but how difficult. 

"My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak

 and slow to get angry." James 1:19

Not only in relationships, but in people's social life at college as well.  I see individuals who do not go out and try to make friends, do not gather at the campus activities, dorm programs, or campus club events; blame it on bad scheduling, studying, or the best of all is "I'm sick."  I do not understand how these individuals expect to form a circle of friends when they do not go out to find them...people are not just going to come to you especially if you aren't a very open person.  I find myself surrounded by so many people who I enjoy being around, such a wide variety, people of different backgrounds, different goals, and different ideas of fun.  I have to shuffle my schedule around to fit people in most of the time, and it is wonderful.  And then I see those who can barely scrape up a friend or two here and there...and spend the rest of the time complaining that "they don't fit in."  I feel sorry for these college students who seem to be drowning in the books and in the crowds; but I've always been told you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." -Matthew 7:12  

 For some individuals wishing to find their place, this may be helpful.

I have so much more weighing on my heart, but for tonight this is it... <3 For those of you who believe in the power of prayer, please pray for my friends & for others who are battling rough points in their relationships. 

Peacefully at Rest

You're face among us,

We shall never see again,

For the Lord had another plan,

For you with him to be.

Stares up above,

cries here below,

questions, worries, wonders why?

One in a million,

One of God's best,

We wonder why he chose you to be next?

You were always the same,

One need not guess,

For the Poodle we know is now lying to rest.

You sent a message for us to shed no tears,

but the mourning in our hearts will last for years.

Some here below are buried in burden,

but without a doubt it was your time to go...

no one could stop it,

you left in a hurry.

I sure hope you are enjoying those beautiful clouds above,

I sure hope you got to see God's most sacred flock of doves,

We all plan to see you again one day soon,

Don't forget us down here,

Our thoughts of you will always remain true.

Lolly sure misses you, along with the rest...

Now go, be with the Lord,

Where your heart will be peacefully at rest.

02/01/11 RIP- Donnie "Poodle" Howard

I shall not be moved!

Yesterday, I had this song stuck in my head that I haven't heard in years..."I shall not be, I shall not be moved; I shall not be, I shall not be moved just like a tree that's planted by the waters...I shall not be moved!"  And just like with anything else, when you recall times from the past you find yourself lost in memories, recalling just exactly how everything happened at that time.  I remember learning this song in elementary school, Mrs. Debbie Batten was my Sunday School teacher at the time and she taught us every word and had us in front of the church singing the song like we owned it!  I knew what the song meant from the start (because Mrs. Debbie explained it)...I shall not be moved from God's foundation.  But just like many other situations recently...a new explanation and reasoning has popped into this ever-flowing mind of mine.  The question is...where did this song come from after so many years of not hearing it?

I continued to sing the song to Bentley as I prepared myself for yoga class last night, he just looked at me as if he were pleading for me to just shut up.  Although, I couldn't explain where I had picked up these addicting lyrics, I tried to put together a reason for them...like a puzzle.  What is going on in my life that I could associate this song with?  My first thought was silly; however, relevant.  I do not exercise as much as I should.  Mostly because I claim that I can't find the time.  I knew that after this class I would barely be able to move...so God must have been telling me, "I shall not be moved..." because after you get done with all those stretches you're going to be hurting! Well, he was right but I know that's not the message he was sending me.

Last year on campus Bryan and I had friends, but not a wide range of them.  We could find something to do at almost any point in time, but it wasn't until this semester that we constantly have people asking us to hang out.  We often have to plan around everyone's ideas so that we get to spend equal time with everyone.  Our friends are generally couples because it just makes more sense that way; the guys hang out, and the girls do too, then of course we gang up on each other :)  But the point of this blog is to thank God for a specific couple he has placed in our lives.  Although, I only have a tiny bit of evidence that they are in our path for a reason I have my faith in God.  Every night they have a devotion, they read scripture and talk about God.  They post scripture online for all their friends to read and they know hymns like the back of their hands it seems like.  Don't get me wrong these aren't individuals who have God completely written all over them, but he is in their hearts...and it's obvious.  I am so excited to form a closer relationship with them in hopes that some of their practices will rub off on us.  Bryan and I enjoy discussing the Bible...we learn alot from each other.  We have our own interpretations, as does everyone, but we could definitely stand some improvement in that area.  Reading scripture is alot like exercise for me...I always make excuses and claim that I never have time.  In all reality, I believe "I shall not be moved..." from these friends who are having such an impact on me and they don't even know it!

"Lean not on your own understanding..."

A few nights ago a friend of mine posted a Bible verse on Facebook from the book of Proverbs; most of the time I will scan on and not take the time to read what apparently inspired my friend.  This night was different, however, and I was interested in the message behind the post.  So I found the Bible and I read it.  Proverbs 3:5, "Trust the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  I found it to be moving, highly inspirational, and I was glad I had taken time out of my life to read it.  It wasn't until today that the actual meaning behind the scripture touched my heart personally.  Yes, I loved it as soon as I read it, and I remembered it from the countless number of sermons since I was just a baby...but today it took on a whole different meaning for me. 

I often find myself going into situations with negative thoughts- "oh, I can't possibly do this!" "This is way too hard," and "I just don't know what to do" have consumed a great deal of my thoughts lately; one example specifically, Spanish class.  I am not necessarily terrible at the subject I just have a closed mind about it.  My raisings tend to follow me, and in some situations I am not proud of it.  I cannot count how many times I have heard someone in my family say "If we went to Mexico would everyone there have to learn English to communicate with us? Probably not.  So why do we have to learn Spanish?  If they want to live here, then they should learn our language!"  I am not going to lie and say I disagree, because really all in all it isn't exactly fair.  But life is what it is and knowing more than one language makes you a more rounded individual.  But because I have always looked at this situation with a negative point of view it has made the subject difficult for me from the start.  I have no desire to know the language; therefore, I have convinced myself that I do not have the ability to learn it either.  Yesterday, my roommate sat down with me and answered all the questions I had, quizzed me, and explained the stuff I found to be ridiculous - and to my surprise she looked at me and said "Kayla, you're actually doing pretty good with this!"  With that one statement I began to take on a whole different aspect on the subject.  I could do it, I was proving it right then and there.  It is actually kind of easy, when you WANT to learn it.  I have removed the brick wall that stood between me and espanol.  I have a big test tomorrow and tonight I will spend my time preparing because now I care.

I hope to take this lesson with me in ALL situations in life.  My own understanding is nothing- but the understanding of God is everything!  If I allow myself the chance, and give him the glory things turn out so much better in the end! <3

...the man you couldn't be.

A burdened heart leads me to this post.  My thoughts are scattered, I am confused, and I am questioning so many different things in my life.  I may ramble, I may get off topic, but that's what I made this thing for...a way to accept reality.  I have felt really bad lately, physically.  No matter how long I sleep I can't get enough rest and I am exhausted throughout the day.  A special person has been put in my life, for reasons I am unsure of.  This professor called me out and told me she knew I was having problems without having any information from me on our first meeting.  She suggested ways for me to get better, to have more energy, and to eat well.  Today, she held my hands in front of a class full of people and prayed  for my healing.  I do not know her at all and she doesn't know me either; but I know that for some reason she has been put in my path.  Never have I met a professor that cared so much about my life.  She suggested that I pray, hand everything over to God, and believe with all of my heart...and I did.  I began to feel better in no time and I thought "whew, things will be okay now."

A few hours ago I got a phone call...very similar to those I have received lately.  A phone call letting me know that my "daddy" is back to his ol' evil doings...doing his best to have me put behind bars.  I question his intention, his thought processes, and his sanity.  I am a 19 year old college student striving for a future, I don't ask him for a thing, and yet all he wants to do is ruin my life because his sucks.  Constantly worrying whether or not I have warrants, if I am allowed in my own town, and whether or not today will be the day I take that dreadful ride in the backseat of a car for something I have not done, this is killing me.  I would expect this kind of life if I were hanging with the wrong crowd, selling dope, or robbing stores...but I am none the like.  I go to class everyday, and study for what is left of the day...EVERYDAY, as I have for the last thirteen years of my life.  To wish to have me put behind bars in a place of such filth when my immune system is at record lows makes him a very low individual.  I've always heard that money is the root of all evil, and I believe that with all my heart.  I never thought I'd see the day when my own blood put the cash in their wallet above my significance.  But hello world, today was one of many.  He calls himself a Christian man...and people wonder why so many others don't want to go to church.  If that is what living a "godly life" is all about then who is interested?  I am just hear to let you know, what goes around comes around, and I wish you luck getting forgiveness for blasphemy.  You are not going to make me fail; I will prevail.  You, however, will reap your rewards and the day isn't coming soon enough for me.  I never expected to have a wonderful life but Lupus and Chemotherapy were never as bad to me as you are.  I recall some of his last words to me, "Have I not give you everything you've ever asked for?"  Yeah, you did, my every crying need...but buying me stuff doesn't make everything better...you bought for me so you could brag about how much you spent.  Money and belongings doesn't have a bit of meaning to me when I don't have your love.  I have learned to live without it and I hope you are learning to live without mine.  I do not hate...but I am so close to it I can taste it.  You were responsible for my birth, however, you are not my daddy.  Your place has been taken, another man will walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and when the time comes for the father/daughter dance I will tell him how much I appreciate him being the man you couldn't be.

...law needs another voice.

Last semester was an eye-opener for me; many things changed in my life.  Change is something I usually approach as being a bad thing and avoid at all cost; however, some things you cannot run from, some things you must accept and deal with.  Since the age of eleven my heart has been completely set on one day becoming a Pediatric Rheumatologist...to help fight this disease that has fought me for a little over eight years.  I had the motivation, ambition, desire, and ability...all that was left was to take the classes to get there.  I never considered any other option because for me that was the only thing that could possibly make me happy...or so I thought.  I realize that all things happen for a reason and knowing that has helped me cope in this situation.  I am an over-achiever, always have been.  So, when I do not make the top-notch grades or meet a specific deadline or goal that I have for myself I get frustrated and feel as if I have failed.  I failed at being a Biology graduate.  But not really.  I still have the grades to make it.  My GPA hasn't suffered much at all and I still have plenty of time to change anything that isn't perfect; however, my ambition for that specific field has vanished.  I no longer enjoy going to Biology classes, I don't care to keep up with "the latest health update," and I get nauseated at the sight of a hospital or doctor's office.  I am beginning to wonder if that was ever even MY dream at all...or was I living the dream for someone else?  I have always enjoyed writing, english classes always did make the top of my list of favorite classes.  I recall logic puzzles from fifth grade that I always found to be so much fun, and while helping Bryan study for the LSAT I remembered how much I loved them...and we made it a game, competing with one another.  Of course he won, my mind doesn't work quite that fast; however, I was doing something that kept my attention and gave me the drive to continue.  Bryan had talked to me about law school before but I merely laughed at the prospect.  I often do not give myself enough credit...and in this case I felt as if I were "too dumb" for law school.  Common sense is something I usually say I don't have much of, but when it comes down to all seriousness I have plenty to succeed.  Last semester a 34 year marriage ended and I was one of the three "children" who had to endure this devastation.  The court proceedings have not gone as smoothly as planned and amongst all of this drama I have found my heart in Family Court.  I want to help others like my momma who deserve a way out and are not sure how to go about it.  I want all child support debts to be paid.  I want children in the middle of such a family crisis to not have to suffer in the same way I have.  I would also like to persue disability claims.  I am denied my disability despite being a lupus patient because of things that have been done out of spite of me.  I know there are many other individuals who are denied their benefits as well and I want to put a stop to it.  Medical malpractice has come to my mind as well.  While I no longer have a desire for Biology, I refuse to waste all the time I have spent in it thus far; with that being said, I am seeking a minor in Biology with a major in Criminal Justice.

I often feel as if I have failed because I did not continue on the path I had laid out for my life.  But I am starting to realize, that was the problem all along...it was MY plans and only MINE...I didn't let God have a say-so in the matter.  I am convinced that's why things have changed, and I am gradually accepting the change and being happy with it.

The past two days have been the first two of my sophomore spring semester and I have been more excited about my classes than any others before now.  I hope all works out for the best and I hope I find myself being proud of the change I have made.  I know once this news reaches the ears of certain individuals unkind words will be said....they'll probably assume I couldn't make it and guess that I won't continue with this track either.  But, it is because of you that I have decided that the law needs another voice.

Short, Quick, To The Point!

This morning I woke up with intentions.  I had so much to get done and a short amount of time to do it.  Much to my surprise we had a blizzard going on outside while I slept peacefully throughout the night.  A little frustrated and not very happy that things didn't go my way...I decided to make the best of the day anyway.  My K9 babies love the snow, well, one of them atleast; so we went out for playtime.  I enjoyed watching them hop around like rabbits and acting like "real" excited "children."  We aren't used to much snow in these parts.  Watches and warnings usually end up meaning nothing for us; today was a different story.  The view was amazing and taking pictures was so much fun.  I'm ready to go back to school now; looking forward to another shot at this whole future career thing.  Expecting a better semester.  More fun. More time. Less stress.

Everyday has it's own story...

I love the fact that everyday has it's own story.  Everyday a new lesson is learned, a new experience takes place, and everyday I become more thankful for everything life has offered me. A specific situation led to the beginning of today's blog.  Bryan and I decided we would eat Chinese for dinner tonight, so we drove out to one of the local Chinese restaurants that we call "our favorite."  Food Lion to the left and a Laundry Express to the right, cars and carts scattered randomly throughout the lot, everything appeared the same as any other time we had stopped there for take-out.  After ordering, we took a seat by the window...staring out the window usually helps make the process go by quicker.  While waiting I watched this young woman pull a basket of laundry and a bag of detergent out of the trunk of her car and lug it into the place next door.  You could tell that it was a struggle...and I know from experience that toting detergent and softner is not an easy task when you're a small individual.  It broke my heart to watch her cover up her clothes with a blanket so that everything wouldn't be exposed as she walked across the parking lot.  It was then that I looked at Bryan and said, "I am so thankful for our washing machine and dryer."  He agreed.  It was then that I realized that we take for granted so many "small" things.  A washing machine may not be that big of a deal for us...but making a continuous trip to the Laundry Express, counting change, and exposing all your laundry to the world must be a burden.  "Order Up!" We walked out with almost $20 worth of food, took it home and enjoyed a hot meal.  This again made me feel thankful.  I have always had almost the "perfect" life, and in the past few months a lot of the things have changed.  I have been tempted and tried, my faith has been tested, and certain individuals have tried their best to tear me down; despite it all I am thankful.  I am thankful that I have breath in me.  Thankful for food to eat.  Thankful for a ride to get food.  Thankful for my washer and dryer. Thankful that God loves me enough to put all the signs in front of me to know that their are others worse off than me. 

"...I'm going to be bald."

          "Mr. & Mrs. Britt, we have Kayla's results and we would like to speak to you outside," stated the head army of doctors at Duke University back in 2002.  "Whatever you have to tell us, you can tell her," my mother quickly replied.  The tests had been done, a week had slowly passed by as I tossed and turned in that hospital bed, many prayers had been sent up to God, and I was staring in the face of a woman who was about to give me news that would change the rest of my life.  "Kayla has systemic lupus...." For the next couple of seconds the room was anything but still, tears began to fall despite my desire to hold them back, my chest was so tight that I felt my next diagnosis would be a heart attack, and eventually I tuned back in to the conversation.  "Her kidneys are failing very quickly, chemotherapy is the only option at this point."  At eleven years old I only associated chemo with cancer, I didn't know any better.  I cried harder and louder and longer.  I couldn't take chemo, what about my hair? my friends? school? Could I possibly die?  The questions were running through my mind like a marathon but I couldn't get the words out.  Treatment started the next day...and I finally asked "How did I get cancer?"  To my surprise I found out that lupus isn't anywhere close to being cancer.  An autoimmune disease that can affect absolutely ANY part of the body and usually attacks atleast one organ, in my case my kidneys.  It works kind of like Rheumatoid Arthritis as far as pain goes...my joints hurt regularly, I have to take thirteen pills a day, and doctors offices are very familiar with me.
          I had to take two years worth of treatment.  I lost my hair within the first six months, and it was one of the funnest and most rewarding experiences I have ever had.  "When I come to school Monday, I'm going to be bald," I told all my friends on a Friday at lunch.  No one believed me.  They underestimated my strength.  Saturday morning I took a visit to the wig stop in Fayetteville, where I walked out with a shoulder-length blonde wig that I couldn't wait to show off.  Following the purchase we went back to my dad's barber shop and each person in my family got their turn of taking a streak of my hair off, I did the beginning honors myself.  I have tons of pictures and we even filmed it.  Honestly, it felt great!  It was light, easy to wash, didn't have to comb it, or style it, and the fact that I had the courage to do it without fear, without crying, and with a continuous smile on my face made me realize that lupus was indeed impacting everyday of my life, but not in the way I had expected.  "Take it off, I don't believe you," is what they all kept saying at school.  I just smiled and shook my head no, dying to show them but wanting them to live in suspense for a few hours.  After lunch I pulled it off, and everyone smacked their faces in disbelief.  I grinned as if I were showing off a trophy, because I had never met another girl my age who had shaved her head so proudly.  A week went by and that wig started making me sweat and itch and it just got too heavy for me to wear, so I started wearing fishermen-style hats.  Hair or not, it didn't matter to me.  By the time my eighth grade prom rolled around my hair had grown back just enough and in just the right time; God had everything planned out so perfect. And in 2004 I'll never forget the crowd of friends who joined me in the park after my last treatment for a "No More Chemo Party" that I planned for myself to say goodbye to something that both made me sick and made me better.
             I recall the doctors telling me that I most likely wouldn't graduate with my class.  I'd probably be a year or two behind since I had to miss so much school.  Number 32 in MY class of over 500, I showed them who was boss, God has never failed me.  When I finally decided where I would go to school and began to get everything in order they stared at me as if they couldn't believe I was going off to school.  I have lupus.  I have legs and hands and a brain.  I can understand.  I can read and write.  I am capable of doing anything anyone without a disease is capable of doing.  So, why wouldn't I go off to school?  Yes, I have pain.  No, it doesn't keep me down.  I take my medicine.  If it works, it works.  If not, I keep on going anyway.  I complain, not may of us can say that we don't.  I have my bad days, even the healthiest individuals do.  But I refuse to let a disease take over my body and destroy the dreams I have for my future.  With or without it, it is no bump in my road.  Lupus hasn't left my side, she's always here.  I have experienced more with her than I have with any person on this planet.  She keeps me company when I'm all alone.  She allows me to complain about her, to her.  She's really not as bad as you'd think...in fact, she's become my best friend.  Without lupus I wouldn't have the courage, strength, desire, or dedication that I have today.  God sure knew what he was doing when he chose me to be a fighter.  I am thankful that I could take someone else's spot as the patient, because it made me a better person.

Mind Over Money

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don't make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you.” Maya Angelou

Yesterday was the beginning of an end for something I have battled for a very long time.  For as long as I can remember I have always shopped off the clearance racks, counted out 90 cents just to keep from breaking a dollar, and refused to buy things for myself.  Buying for others has never been a problem though, I can spend that money as if it wasn't my own.  However, when it comes to spending money that I don't think is absolutely necessary, or that I don't specifically NEED...or even when I do need for that matter...I feel this rush of panic.  I get dizzy, I feel faint, and I get very irritated.  I have been known to keep the same pair of jeans for years and years, just because I didn't want to spend the money to buy new ones.  I have met people with the reverse problem, spending too much money, but never anyone with my problem.  I am not really "stingy," I just always feel that my money can be spent in a better way or saved for some emergency that may take place in the future.  I thought that this was a very good thing; thought that it made me responsible.  However, it was brought to my attention yesterday that now is my time to live.  Now is my time to splurge on myself.  I may have children in the future and like most mothers I will strive to make sure they have all they want and need...and will not be spending money on myself.  So today is the day of change.  Kayla is going to start looking out for Kayla instead of everyone else.  I will still be addicted to buying "cheap" stuff, however, now I realize that it's okay a pair of white shoes AND a pair of black ones...and that I don't have to wait for the bottoms to fall off my shoes to buy new ones.  So, without even realizing it until now...I have made my New Years Resolution...to give myself a little more credit.

Heaven's soon-to-be angel 0:)

Last night I was trying to list all the things I am thankful for...& I realized that they never taught me to count that high in school.  It began like the typical "thankfulness list." Family. Friends. Boyfriend. House. Clothes. Education. Heat. Air Conditioner. Life. and then I started getting down to the nitty gritty.  What exactly about my family am I thankful for? So many ideas run through this crazy mind of mine, about my parents, my siblings, family reunions, family who wouldn't talk to me if I were the last person left in this world, but the one thing that stuck out in my mind was my Papa.  Never have I met a man like him.  I have always loved my Papa and he always loved his little "Bubbles," home videos state this is a fact. My fondest memories of us together lie in the Great Smokey Mountains, where we spent atleast a week every summer for as far back as I can remember.  He loved the view mostly. The air. The quietness. The excitement on us kid's faces.  But now, Papa isn't able to really go anywhere.  Recliner, bathroom, bed, envelopes his routine these days.  Oh how he lones to be in those hills.  A special thing I love about my Papa is that while he loves the Lord and is very religious, never once has he tried to shove anything down my throat.  He knows that I understand what I need to know, that I know right from wrong, and that I know whose kingdom I need to be seeking.  So, he leaves it at that.  Enough said.  He doesn't push and push until I turn away, as others have done.  A smile will never cease to form on your face in his presence.  He's full of joy and happiness, he's proud of his children, grandchildren, and great-grands.  Despite all our many different paths in life he gives us all credit and loves each and every one of us just the same.  I feel the tears gentley flowing from the back of my eyelids as I begin to realize that soon and very soon, memories is all I am going to have left of my Papa.  That wonderful man is getting prepared to sit by our Father in Heaven.  As hard as it is to accept, and as bad as I don't want to see him go, I know he will be happier walking those streets of gold (maybe they will even have a few mountains there just for him...) Just the other day he told me "I just don't want to leave Granny and you youngins," the only thing I could think of to say was "Papa you ain't goin no where I ain't rich and married yet!"  He just smiled while his eyes told me that no joke was gonna be able to stop the journey that lies ahead.  I am not sure why out of all the family he chose to sit me down and prepare me for what's next, but he did.  He's covered in so many bruises and he shows them off like their nothing, like a soldier in battle would be proud of his wounds.  But to me, it hurts.  My Papa has been a good man, a good husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, and a good friend to many people.  I am trying to find a source of acceptance.  I know so many other people have had to deal with this at some point in time...but I have never experienced death.  No one close to me has ever passed away, and for this I am very thankful.

Note to God:

When you decide that my Papa should be your angel, would you please send down some extra care for me. I love him with all my heart, and I thank you for giving me 19 years with him (and I'd sure love many more if you see fit!)  He deserves to sit at the right hand of your throne.   <3

Angels Among Us

"Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope."

After years of hearing English teachers repeatedly say "Don't forget to cite your sources, without doing so will result in punishment for plagiarism," I have learned that it is best to give credit where credit is due in all situations.  In this case, the credit for my blog lies within a very dear friend of mine.  I was always the one with the big ears, the one who listened to everyone's problems, offered advice when I felt that it was necessary, laughed and cried, and tried to lift the burdens off any soul but my own.  It wasn't until lately that I realized I am not an exception to these many people, I need to be heard sometimes as well.  I didn't like the idea of finding help or talking to anyone about the circus being performed in my life right now, but after my first meeting with the lady who inspired this blog I felt that I could open up.  I didn't know her at all, I simply applied to join her ambassadors program on campus, went to her office to meet her, and realized God had just put one of the sweetest people I had ever met in my life behind the desk in front of me.  After a few visits to her office to discuss business, we finally began to explore all the things we have in common and I began to explain the worries in my world of chaos.  Her response didn't leave me feeling like an idiot, she seemed to somehow understand although she had never experienced the situation first-hand.  She promised to pray for me, suggested that I visit her whenever I felt the need to spill, and offered me an open door policy.  I have opened up to her in a way that I can honestly say I have never opened up to anyone else before.  I thank the Lord for putting her in my life...

"Oh I believe there are angels among us.
 Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
 They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
 To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
 To guide us with the light of love."

Alabama has convinced me with the lyrics of their song that angels are indeed among us.