I shall not be moved!

Yesterday, I had this song stuck in my head that I haven't heard in years..."I shall not be, I shall not be moved; I shall not be, I shall not be moved just like a tree that's planted by the waters...I shall not be moved!"  And just like with anything else, when you recall times from the past you find yourself lost in memories, recalling just exactly how everything happened at that time.  I remember learning this song in elementary school, Mrs. Debbie Batten was my Sunday School teacher at the time and she taught us every word and had us in front of the church singing the song like we owned it!  I knew what the song meant from the start (because Mrs. Debbie explained it)...I shall not be moved from God's foundation.  But just like many other situations recently...a new explanation and reasoning has popped into this ever-flowing mind of mine.  The question is...where did this song come from after so many years of not hearing it?

I continued to sing the song to Bentley as I prepared myself for yoga class last night, he just looked at me as if he were pleading for me to just shut up.  Although, I couldn't explain where I had picked up these addicting lyrics, I tried to put together a reason for them...like a puzzle.  What is going on in my life that I could associate this song with?  My first thought was silly; however, relevant.  I do not exercise as much as I should.  Mostly because I claim that I can't find the time.  I knew that after this class I would barely be able to move...so God must have been telling me, "I shall not be moved..." because after you get done with all those stretches you're going to be hurting! Well, he was right but I know that's not the message he was sending me.

Last year on campus Bryan and I had friends, but not a wide range of them.  We could find something to do at almost any point in time, but it wasn't until this semester that we constantly have people asking us to hang out.  We often have to plan around everyone's ideas so that we get to spend equal time with everyone.  Our friends are generally couples because it just makes more sense that way; the guys hang out, and the girls do too, then of course we gang up on each other :)  But the point of this blog is to thank God for a specific couple he has placed in our lives.  Although, I only have a tiny bit of evidence that they are in our path for a reason I have my faith in God.  Every night they have a devotion, they read scripture and talk about God.  They post scripture online for all their friends to read and they know hymns like the back of their hands it seems like.  Don't get me wrong these aren't individuals who have God completely written all over them, but he is in their hearts...and it's obvious.  I am so excited to form a closer relationship with them in hopes that some of their practices will rub off on us.  Bryan and I enjoy discussing the Bible...we learn alot from each other.  We have our own interpretations, as does everyone, but we could definitely stand some improvement in that area.  Reading scripture is alot like exercise for me...I always make excuses and claim that I never have time.  In all reality, I believe "I shall not be moved..." from these friends who are having such an impact on me and they don't even know it!

"Lean not on your own understanding..."

A few nights ago a friend of mine posted a Bible verse on Facebook from the book of Proverbs; most of the time I will scan on and not take the time to read what apparently inspired my friend.  This night was different, however, and I was interested in the message behind the post.  So I found the Bible and I read it.  Proverbs 3:5, "Trust the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  I found it to be moving, highly inspirational, and I was glad I had taken time out of my life to read it.  It wasn't until today that the actual meaning behind the scripture touched my heart personally.  Yes, I loved it as soon as I read it, and I remembered it from the countless number of sermons since I was just a baby...but today it took on a whole different meaning for me. 

I often find myself going into situations with negative thoughts- "oh, I can't possibly do this!" "This is way too hard," and "I just don't know what to do" have consumed a great deal of my thoughts lately; one example specifically, Spanish class.  I am not necessarily terrible at the subject I just have a closed mind about it.  My raisings tend to follow me, and in some situations I am not proud of it.  I cannot count how many times I have heard someone in my family say "If we went to Mexico would everyone there have to learn English to communicate with us? Probably not.  So why do we have to learn Spanish?  If they want to live here, then they should learn our language!"  I am not going to lie and say I disagree, because really all in all it isn't exactly fair.  But life is what it is and knowing more than one language makes you a more rounded individual.  But because I have always looked at this situation with a negative point of view it has made the subject difficult for me from the start.  I have no desire to know the language; therefore, I have convinced myself that I do not have the ability to learn it either.  Yesterday, my roommate sat down with me and answered all the questions I had, quizzed me, and explained the stuff I found to be ridiculous - and to my surprise she looked at me and said "Kayla, you're actually doing pretty good with this!"  With that one statement I began to take on a whole different aspect on the subject.  I could do it, I was proving it right then and there.  It is actually kind of easy, when you WANT to learn it.  I have removed the brick wall that stood between me and espanol.  I have a big test tomorrow and tonight I will spend my time preparing because now I care.

I hope to take this lesson with me in ALL situations in life.  My own understanding is nothing- but the understanding of God is everything!  If I allow myself the chance, and give him the glory things turn out so much better in the end! <3

...the man you couldn't be.

A burdened heart leads me to this post.  My thoughts are scattered, I am confused, and I am questioning so many different things in my life.  I may ramble, I may get off topic, but that's what I made this thing for...a way to accept reality.  I have felt really bad lately, physically.  No matter how long I sleep I can't get enough rest and I am exhausted throughout the day.  A special person has been put in my life, for reasons I am unsure of.  This professor called me out and told me she knew I was having problems without having any information from me on our first meeting.  She suggested ways for me to get better, to have more energy, and to eat well.  Today, she held my hands in front of a class full of people and prayed  for my healing.  I do not know her at all and she doesn't know me either; but I know that for some reason she has been put in my path.  Never have I met a professor that cared so much about my life.  She suggested that I pray, hand everything over to God, and believe with all of my heart...and I did.  I began to feel better in no time and I thought "whew, things will be okay now."

A few hours ago I got a phone call...very similar to those I have received lately.  A phone call letting me know that my "daddy" is back to his ol' evil doings...doing his best to have me put behind bars.  I question his intention, his thought processes, and his sanity.  I am a 19 year old college student striving for a future, I don't ask him for a thing, and yet all he wants to do is ruin my life because his sucks.  Constantly worrying whether or not I have warrants, if I am allowed in my own town, and whether or not today will be the day I take that dreadful ride in the backseat of a car for something I have not done, this is killing me.  I would expect this kind of life if I were hanging with the wrong crowd, selling dope, or robbing stores...but I am none the like.  I go to class everyday, and study for what is left of the day...EVERYDAY, as I have for the last thirteen years of my life.  To wish to have me put behind bars in a place of such filth when my immune system is at record lows makes him a very low individual.  I've always heard that money is the root of all evil, and I believe that with all my heart.  I never thought I'd see the day when my own blood put the cash in their wallet above my significance.  But hello world, today was one of many.  He calls himself a Christian man...and people wonder why so many others don't want to go to church.  If that is what living a "godly life" is all about then who is interested?  I am just hear to let you know, what goes around comes around, and I wish you luck getting forgiveness for blasphemy.  You are not going to make me fail; I will prevail.  You, however, will reap your rewards and the day isn't coming soon enough for me.  I never expected to have a wonderful life but Lupus and Chemotherapy were never as bad to me as you are.  I recall some of his last words to me, "Have I not give you everything you've ever asked for?"  Yeah, you did, my every crying need...but buying me stuff doesn't make everything better...you bought for me so you could brag about how much you spent.  Money and belongings doesn't have a bit of meaning to me when I don't have your love.  I have learned to live without it and I hope you are learning to live without mine.  I do not hate...but I am so close to it I can taste it.  You were responsible for my birth, however, you are not my daddy.  Your place has been taken, another man will walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and when the time comes for the father/daughter dance I will tell him how much I appreciate him being the man you couldn't be.

...law needs another voice.

Last semester was an eye-opener for me; many things changed in my life.  Change is something I usually approach as being a bad thing and avoid at all cost; however, some things you cannot run from, some things you must accept and deal with.  Since the age of eleven my heart has been completely set on one day becoming a Pediatric Rheumatologist...to help fight this disease that has fought me for a little over eight years.  I had the motivation, ambition, desire, and ability...all that was left was to take the classes to get there.  I never considered any other option because for me that was the only thing that could possibly make me happy...or so I thought.  I realize that all things happen for a reason and knowing that has helped me cope in this situation.  I am an over-achiever, always have been.  So, when I do not make the top-notch grades or meet a specific deadline or goal that I have for myself I get frustrated and feel as if I have failed.  I failed at being a Biology graduate.  But not really.  I still have the grades to make it.  My GPA hasn't suffered much at all and I still have plenty of time to change anything that isn't perfect; however, my ambition for that specific field has vanished.  I no longer enjoy going to Biology classes, I don't care to keep up with "the latest health update," and I get nauseated at the sight of a hospital or doctor's office.  I am beginning to wonder if that was ever even MY dream at all...or was I living the dream for someone else?  I have always enjoyed writing, english classes always did make the top of my list of favorite classes.  I recall logic puzzles from fifth grade that I always found to be so much fun, and while helping Bryan study for the LSAT I remembered how much I loved them...and we made it a game, competing with one another.  Of course he won, my mind doesn't work quite that fast; however, I was doing something that kept my attention and gave me the drive to continue.  Bryan had talked to me about law school before but I merely laughed at the prospect.  I often do not give myself enough credit...and in this case I felt as if I were "too dumb" for law school.  Common sense is something I usually say I don't have much of, but when it comes down to all seriousness I have plenty to succeed.  Last semester a 34 year marriage ended and I was one of the three "children" who had to endure this devastation.  The court proceedings have not gone as smoothly as planned and amongst all of this drama I have found my heart in Family Court.  I want to help others like my momma who deserve a way out and are not sure how to go about it.  I want all child support debts to be paid.  I want children in the middle of such a family crisis to not have to suffer in the same way I have.  I would also like to persue disability claims.  I am denied my disability despite being a lupus patient because of things that have been done out of spite of me.  I know there are many other individuals who are denied their benefits as well and I want to put a stop to it.  Medical malpractice has come to my mind as well.  While I no longer have a desire for Biology, I refuse to waste all the time I have spent in it thus far; with that being said, I am seeking a minor in Biology with a major in Criminal Justice.

I often feel as if I have failed because I did not continue on the path I had laid out for my life.  But I am starting to realize, that was the problem all along...it was MY plans and only MINE...I didn't let God have a say-so in the matter.  I am convinced that's why things have changed, and I am gradually accepting the change and being happy with it.

The past two days have been the first two of my sophomore spring semester and I have been more excited about my classes than any others before now.  I hope all works out for the best and I hope I find myself being proud of the change I have made.  I know once this news reaches the ears of certain individuals unkind words will be said....they'll probably assume I couldn't make it and guess that I won't continue with this track either.  But, it is because of you that I have decided that the law needs another voice.

Short, Quick, To The Point!

This morning I woke up with intentions.  I had so much to get done and a short amount of time to do it.  Much to my surprise we had a blizzard going on outside while I slept peacefully throughout the night.  A little frustrated and not very happy that things didn't go my way...I decided to make the best of the day anyway.  My K9 babies love the snow, well, one of them atleast; so we went out for playtime.  I enjoyed watching them hop around like rabbits and acting like "real" excited "children."  We aren't used to much snow in these parts.  Watches and warnings usually end up meaning nothing for us; today was a different story.  The view was amazing and taking pictures was so much fun.  I'm ready to go back to school now; looking forward to another shot at this whole future career thing.  Expecting a better semester.  More fun. More time. Less stress.

Everyday has it's own story...

I love the fact that everyday has it's own story.  Everyday a new lesson is learned, a new experience takes place, and everyday I become more thankful for everything life has offered me. A specific situation led to the beginning of today's blog.  Bryan and I decided we would eat Chinese for dinner tonight, so we drove out to one of the local Chinese restaurants that we call "our favorite."  Food Lion to the left and a Laundry Express to the right, cars and carts scattered randomly throughout the lot, everything appeared the same as any other time we had stopped there for take-out.  After ordering, we took a seat by the window...staring out the window usually helps make the process go by quicker.  While waiting I watched this young woman pull a basket of laundry and a bag of detergent out of the trunk of her car and lug it into the place next door.  You could tell that it was a struggle...and I know from experience that toting detergent and softner is not an easy task when you're a small individual.  It broke my heart to watch her cover up her clothes with a blanket so that everything wouldn't be exposed as she walked across the parking lot.  It was then that I looked at Bryan and said, "I am so thankful for our washing machine and dryer."  He agreed.  It was then that I realized that we take for granted so many "small" things.  A washing machine may not be that big of a deal for us...but making a continuous trip to the Laundry Express, counting change, and exposing all your laundry to the world must be a burden.  "Order Up!" We walked out with almost $20 worth of food, took it home and enjoyed a hot meal.  This again made me feel thankful.  I have always had almost the "perfect" life, and in the past few months a lot of the things have changed.  I have been tempted and tried, my faith has been tested, and certain individuals have tried their best to tear me down; despite it all I am thankful.  I am thankful that I have breath in me.  Thankful for food to eat.  Thankful for a ride to get food.  Thankful for my washer and dryer. Thankful that God loves me enough to put all the signs in front of me to know that their are others worse off than me. 

"...I'm going to be bald."

          "Mr. & Mrs. Britt, we have Kayla's results and we would like to speak to you outside," stated the head army of doctors at Duke University back in 2002.  "Whatever you have to tell us, you can tell her," my mother quickly replied.  The tests had been done, a week had slowly passed by as I tossed and turned in that hospital bed, many prayers had been sent up to God, and I was staring in the face of a woman who was about to give me news that would change the rest of my life.  "Kayla has systemic lupus...." For the next couple of seconds the room was anything but still, tears began to fall despite my desire to hold them back, my chest was so tight that I felt my next diagnosis would be a heart attack, and eventually I tuned back in to the conversation.  "Her kidneys are failing very quickly, chemotherapy is the only option at this point."  At eleven years old I only associated chemo with cancer, I didn't know any better.  I cried harder and louder and longer.  I couldn't take chemo, what about my hair? my friends? school? Could I possibly die?  The questions were running through my mind like a marathon but I couldn't get the words out.  Treatment started the next day...and I finally asked "How did I get cancer?"  To my surprise I found out that lupus isn't anywhere close to being cancer.  An autoimmune disease that can affect absolutely ANY part of the body and usually attacks atleast one organ, in my case my kidneys.  It works kind of like Rheumatoid Arthritis as far as pain goes...my joints hurt regularly, I have to take thirteen pills a day, and doctors offices are very familiar with me.
          I had to take two years worth of treatment.  I lost my hair within the first six months, and it was one of the funnest and most rewarding experiences I have ever had.  "When I come to school Monday, I'm going to be bald," I told all my friends on a Friday at lunch.  No one believed me.  They underestimated my strength.  Saturday morning I took a visit to the wig stop in Fayetteville, where I walked out with a shoulder-length blonde wig that I couldn't wait to show off.  Following the purchase we went back to my dad's barber shop and each person in my family got their turn of taking a streak of my hair off, I did the beginning honors myself.  I have tons of pictures and we even filmed it.  Honestly, it felt great!  It was light, easy to wash, didn't have to comb it, or style it, and the fact that I had the courage to do it without fear, without crying, and with a continuous smile on my face made me realize that lupus was indeed impacting everyday of my life, but not in the way I had expected.  "Take it off, I don't believe you," is what they all kept saying at school.  I just smiled and shook my head no, dying to show them but wanting them to live in suspense for a few hours.  After lunch I pulled it off, and everyone smacked their faces in disbelief.  I grinned as if I were showing off a trophy, because I had never met another girl my age who had shaved her head so proudly.  A week went by and that wig started making me sweat and itch and it just got too heavy for me to wear, so I started wearing fishermen-style hats.  Hair or not, it didn't matter to me.  By the time my eighth grade prom rolled around my hair had grown back just enough and in just the right time; God had everything planned out so perfect. And in 2004 I'll never forget the crowd of friends who joined me in the park after my last treatment for a "No More Chemo Party" that I planned for myself to say goodbye to something that both made me sick and made me better.
             I recall the doctors telling me that I most likely wouldn't graduate with my class.  I'd probably be a year or two behind since I had to miss so much school.  Number 32 in MY class of over 500, I showed them who was boss, God has never failed me.  When I finally decided where I would go to school and began to get everything in order they stared at me as if they couldn't believe I was going off to school.  I have lupus.  I have legs and hands and a brain.  I can understand.  I can read and write.  I am capable of doing anything anyone without a disease is capable of doing.  So, why wouldn't I go off to school?  Yes, I have pain.  No, it doesn't keep me down.  I take my medicine.  If it works, it works.  If not, I keep on going anyway.  I complain, not may of us can say that we don't.  I have my bad days, even the healthiest individuals do.  But I refuse to let a disease take over my body and destroy the dreams I have for my future.  With or without it, it is no bump in my road.  Lupus hasn't left my side, she's always here.  I have experienced more with her than I have with any person on this planet.  She keeps me company when I'm all alone.  She allows me to complain about her, to her.  She's really not as bad as you'd think...in fact, she's become my best friend.  Without lupus I wouldn't have the courage, strength, desire, or dedication that I have today.  God sure knew what he was doing when he chose me to be a fighter.  I am thankful that I could take someone else's spot as the patient, because it made me a better person.

Mind Over Money

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don't make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you.” Maya Angelou

Yesterday was the beginning of an end for something I have battled for a very long time.  For as long as I can remember I have always shopped off the clearance racks, counted out 90 cents just to keep from breaking a dollar, and refused to buy things for myself.  Buying for others has never been a problem though, I can spend that money as if it wasn't my own.  However, when it comes to spending money that I don't think is absolutely necessary, or that I don't specifically NEED...or even when I do need for that matter...I feel this rush of panic.  I get dizzy, I feel faint, and I get very irritated.  I have been known to keep the same pair of jeans for years and years, just because I didn't want to spend the money to buy new ones.  I have met people with the reverse problem, spending too much money, but never anyone with my problem.  I am not really "stingy," I just always feel that my money can be spent in a better way or saved for some emergency that may take place in the future.  I thought that this was a very good thing; thought that it made me responsible.  However, it was brought to my attention yesterday that now is my time to live.  Now is my time to splurge on myself.  I may have children in the future and like most mothers I will strive to make sure they have all they want and need...and will not be spending money on myself.  So today is the day of change.  Kayla is going to start looking out for Kayla instead of everyone else.  I will still be addicted to buying "cheap" stuff, however, now I realize that it's okay a pair of white shoes AND a pair of black ones...and that I don't have to wait for the bottoms to fall off my shoes to buy new ones.  So, without even realizing it until now...I have made my New Years Resolution...to give myself a little more credit.

Heaven's soon-to-be angel 0:)

Last night I was trying to list all the things I am thankful for...& I realized that they never taught me to count that high in school.  It began like the typical "thankfulness list." Family. Friends. Boyfriend. House. Clothes. Education. Heat. Air Conditioner. Life. and then I started getting down to the nitty gritty.  What exactly about my family am I thankful for? So many ideas run through this crazy mind of mine, about my parents, my siblings, family reunions, family who wouldn't talk to me if I were the last person left in this world, but the one thing that stuck out in my mind was my Papa.  Never have I met a man like him.  I have always loved my Papa and he always loved his little "Bubbles," home videos state this is a fact. My fondest memories of us together lie in the Great Smokey Mountains, where we spent atleast a week every summer for as far back as I can remember.  He loved the view mostly. The air. The quietness. The excitement on us kid's faces.  But now, Papa isn't able to really go anywhere.  Recliner, bathroom, bed, envelopes his routine these days.  Oh how he lones to be in those hills.  A special thing I love about my Papa is that while he loves the Lord and is very religious, never once has he tried to shove anything down my throat.  He knows that I understand what I need to know, that I know right from wrong, and that I know whose kingdom I need to be seeking.  So, he leaves it at that.  Enough said.  He doesn't push and push until I turn away, as others have done.  A smile will never cease to form on your face in his presence.  He's full of joy and happiness, he's proud of his children, grandchildren, and great-grands.  Despite all our many different paths in life he gives us all credit and loves each and every one of us just the same.  I feel the tears gentley flowing from the back of my eyelids as I begin to realize that soon and very soon, memories is all I am going to have left of my Papa.  That wonderful man is getting prepared to sit by our Father in Heaven.  As hard as it is to accept, and as bad as I don't want to see him go, I know he will be happier walking those streets of gold (maybe they will even have a few mountains there just for him...) Just the other day he told me "I just don't want to leave Granny and you youngins," the only thing I could think of to say was "Papa you ain't goin no where I ain't rich and married yet!"  He just smiled while his eyes told me that no joke was gonna be able to stop the journey that lies ahead.  I am not sure why out of all the family he chose to sit me down and prepare me for what's next, but he did.  He's covered in so many bruises and he shows them off like their nothing, like a soldier in battle would be proud of his wounds.  But to me, it hurts.  My Papa has been a good man, a good husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, and a good friend to many people.  I am trying to find a source of acceptance.  I know so many other people have had to deal with this at some point in time...but I have never experienced death.  No one close to me has ever passed away, and for this I am very thankful.

Note to God:

When you decide that my Papa should be your angel, would you please send down some extra care for me. I love him with all my heart, and I thank you for giving me 19 years with him (and I'd sure love many more if you see fit!)  He deserves to sit at the right hand of your throne.   <3

Angels Among Us

"Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope."

After years of hearing English teachers repeatedly say "Don't forget to cite your sources, without doing so will result in punishment for plagiarism," I have learned that it is best to give credit where credit is due in all situations.  In this case, the credit for my blog lies within a very dear friend of mine.  I was always the one with the big ears, the one who listened to everyone's problems, offered advice when I felt that it was necessary, laughed and cried, and tried to lift the burdens off any soul but my own.  It wasn't until lately that I realized I am not an exception to these many people, I need to be heard sometimes as well.  I didn't like the idea of finding help or talking to anyone about the circus being performed in my life right now, but after my first meeting with the lady who inspired this blog I felt that I could open up.  I didn't know her at all, I simply applied to join her ambassadors program on campus, went to her office to meet her, and realized God had just put one of the sweetest people I had ever met in my life behind the desk in front of me.  After a few visits to her office to discuss business, we finally began to explore all the things we have in common and I began to explain the worries in my world of chaos.  Her response didn't leave me feeling like an idiot, she seemed to somehow understand although she had never experienced the situation first-hand.  She promised to pray for me, suggested that I visit her whenever I felt the need to spill, and offered me an open door policy.  I have opened up to her in a way that I can honestly say I have never opened up to anyone else before.  I thank the Lord for putting her in my life...

"Oh I believe there are angels among us.
 Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
 They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
 To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
 To guide us with the light of love."

Alabama has convinced me with the lyrics of their song that angels are indeed among us.