I'll answer at judgement day- not here on earth.

The rain is tapping on our shutters, I hear the laughter of the children next door splashing in the mud puddles.  Now, at this very moment, is the perfect time to write, because outside of these walls God is blessing me with my favorite weather- and the much needed rain for our environment.  

Ever get the feeling that you're being judged?  That no matter what you do someone is thinking negatively about you?  I don't like to front- what you see is what you get.  I consider myself a genuine person, I express my opinions, and I embrace my life as my own.  Others, however, pretend to be sweet and innocent- hide the excessive profanity, revealing pictures, and the nights on the town.  But yet I am the one in the spotlight.  I am the one who is damned to hell because I have tattoos and piercings.  I have learned that I need not depend on anyone but myself.  No one knows me like I know myself.  Their opinions do not matter.  I wish I could embrace the life of "family" like I once had, or that you read about other people- but the fact is simple, it no longer remains, and I am just as happy without it.  I am not sure how someone who professes to be heaven bound could judge me like that isn't a sin in itself.  "You won't make it to Heaven with that on your shoulder," was the exact words my grandma rehearsed to me a little over a month ago.  Guess we will meet in the other place, because one sin isn't any greater than another.  My decision to decorate my temple isn't any worse than you judging me.  I often wonder why people always pick out the negative things in a person's life to focus on.  I do not drink, I do not do any type of drugs, I don't hang out with the wrong crowd, I don't let my grades slip, and strive nothing more than to be a good person, to be helpful, and to be successful.  That, however, is not the person you would understand me to be through someone else's eyes.  Very few people will graciously accept the goodness of an individual and embrace it over the bad.  It is the very same people who will instantly be concerned about my health when I'm sick, suddenly feel the need to tell me that they love me and they are praying- then suddenly when I'm better I don't matter anymore.  If you aren't concerned when I'm well, please don't bother with being concerned when I'm under the weather.  I'm a pretty strong girl, I've handled it this long and I will continue to handle it for as long as I live.  My birthday rolls around and I don't get a call, but it's alright.  If you can live with it, so can I.  It may seem as if I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, sad...I'm not.  I'm simply just saying.  People's ignorance only reflects their own character, not mine.  I'm one of many who is a victim of such- and one of few who will speak up about it.

My message would simply be: Be your own foundation.  Between you & God, you can handle anything.  Lean not upon the understanding of someone else, but only upon your own.  Live your life the way you understand to be right; convictions will follow if you're making the wrong decisions (or at least that is my opinion). 

You don't have to agree, that's the good thing about life- we all have our own minds and ideas. 

In The Heat of the Night

I have a list of blog topics, which to choose? Them all, of course.  But I must take this one step at a time.  I want to say everything all at once, but then I want to break it down and fully embrace each topic until my heart is content.  

Novels are my specialty; reading, analyzing, learning, connecting.  Through the stories of the author, whether factual or not- I develop a relationship with the characters that seems as if everything is literally taking place before my eyes.  Romance, murder mysteries, and plots of the civil rights period are generally my forte.  Each genre has its own source of adrenaline for me.  Scenes of making love, stabbing the chest of a victim, and black folks fighting til death for the rights they deserved.  The romance, however, is my favorite to indulge in.  The maturity of this blog is a little more intense than usual, and I will say things after this point that do not go along with Christian moral and values.  Keep in mind that I am 20 years old, my life is my life, I have my own views, my own plan, and my own morals- if you feel the need to judge, you might as well stop here.  

The love scenes from a book draw me in deep, I am immediately interested and refuse to put the book down;  I know many of you feel the same.   There's that adrenaline- the heart beating, wanting to know what will happen next; waiting for them to make the significant move as they slowly make their way embracing one body part at a time.  While some things that we read are relevant to some individuals lives, for the most part the audience will say "I wish I had that, or I want that!"  Authors tend to make the whole moment seem so perfect, so intense, so ready to go at it.  They do that because they know what people want to read.  From ideal stable relationships to the situations of adultery...those scenes remain the same despite their morality.  I'm currently in the middle of The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb, a story of the Columbine High's school nurse and post traumatic events of her life; a there are parts in the book that led me to this post.  Usually Nicholas Sparks reels me in- he has a passion for writing, and obviously a passion for love.  A simple quote, that could be taken any way you'd like said "Hold her and lie naked with her."  At this point in the novel nothing happens, nothing has happened, only a man wishes something would happen.  But in all honesty, not just the man...me too!  His wife is in prison for reasons only the book should reveal- nothing to do with her marriage or her husband, though.  After being locked away for three years and being introduced to a beautiful woman- he wants her.  He wants to feel the love, feel her body, feel the release of himself inside of her, because for so long he has gone without the touch that a man needs in his life.  While I know it isn't the moral thing to do, and I know it would be a crazy twist and possibly leading to a destruction of his current relationship I still find myself encouraging him to embrace this woman.  I won't reveal any further quotes, because I don't know who might run across this post; however, I feel that sometimes I find myself taking mental notes.  That would be perfect.  I've got to remember to try that.  I've got to tell him about this.  These are ideas that circulate the mind of a woman reader- whether she likes to reveal them or not.  Not all ladies, don't get me wrong.  But many of them.  This may even be true for gentlemen, but finding one to admit it may be an issue! ;)  I have found that one of the best ways to get a lady "in the mood" is to introduce her to a breath-taking bundle of pages enveloping the intense sex life of two characters. 

...thank you, OIB...

The beach this weekend was amazing beyond words- a place of peace and relaxation like I haven't known in quite some time.  Staring out upon the waves crashing upon the shore, seagulls swooping down for crumbs that children left in the sand, hearing the laughter of surfers and sea shell collectors, and thanking God for allowing this moment in time to be what enveloped the last of my teenage years.  I've been to the beach many times, although not as many as the typical person living in these parts.  My sensitivity to the sun forces me to keep my distance, but once a year I am reunited with the world of paradise.  This trip, however, was one like none other- I embraced the nature before me rather than the "fun."  Photographs and books reveal this mystery emotion perfectly, but to actually experience it leaves one feeling blessed.  To have no place to be, no time to be there, and no walls closing in on all fours is a vacation all in itself.  I feel refreshed, thank you Ocean Isle.  

Like in all enjoyable aspects of life, the devil tried to intervene this time as well.  Before I was diagnosed I had a beautiful pecan tan- believe it or not.  After that I was instructed to consider the sun and fluorescent lights enemies.  My current paleness would probably be considered my biggest insecurity; however, I manage and usually do not have to face it.  On special occasions I get spray tans, and I am the perfect complexion for photographs.  This beach trip allowed me to constantly be reminded of how "pale" I really am.  My best friend is tan and wears it beautifully, I am pale and I wear it beautifully as well (or at least I like to think so).  On several occasions during our trip I was reminded through Facebook picture comments, and by random strangers that I was much different in color than my friend.  "One you is tan and the other looks like you haven't been in the sun at all," said a man fishing on the pier.  "Yeah, well, I'm allergic to the sun..." I sharply explained as I walked away.  I could have said much more, I could have left him feeling like an idiot, I could have walked away in tears, but instead I gave him the least amount of information I felt that he deserved and went on with my life.  This reminded me of how we should always be mindful of the things we say.  What may seem minor to us may be significantly major to someone else.  Especially when speaking to a stranger, be courteous, be thoughtful, keep your thoughts to yourself.  Although some things are not visible, they have the potential to be there.  I hope that fisherman baited himself a trophy that day...