Mr. Guitar player could you give me one line...

It's hard to explain this knot in my stomach, for this feeling for me is the first time.  You learn quickly that it's not the ones you think you should be worried about, but those that seem to be absolutely fine.  I do not understand, and I dare not question him; however, now the world is weeping for such an amazing man.  They tell us to not grieve, he's in a better place now, because his name is now written in that blood, and his bare feet are touching gold.  It feels unreal that this could even be anything close to real, this is one miserable pain that only time will heal.  I scream, I cry, I think, and I do it all over again.  I wish I could have told you one more time just how much you will always mean to me, to us, to all your nieces and nephews- to your sisters, your Mom & Dad, your cousins, and your fiance.    To look at your pictures, you seem so alive; there's that sparkle in your eye that's telling me it's all going to be alright.  This is something I do not know how to handle, my mind is so distant.  I love you and I always will, we always will!  I have these last two exams to finish before I can get back home, so be with me guardian angel.  Shine that pretty bright halo on the right answers, and please don't slap me in the face with those huge wings! ;)  I have a joke to tell you, Uncle Ray, I'll tell you all about it as soon as I pray.

Undefeated Tower

Although I tried to avoid the television screens yesterday in attempts to avoid recollection of the World Trade disasters...the emotions somehow managed to find me.  I'll never forget where I was, how I felt, what I thought, what I was told, and what I saw on television.  It was a hard day for me, as it was for the entire country.

There have been several instances in my life in which I have felt that something bad was going to happen.  I didn't know what, when, where- I just felt uneasy.  The morning of September 10, 2001 I was sent to the middle school counselor's office for a panic attack.  She assured me that I was simply nervous from my recent upgrade from elementary school, that nothing bad was going to happen, and that I should just calm down.  The next morning, she was pulling me out of class to apologize.  The scariest feeling in the world is knowing that somehow you knew the disaster was going to happen before it did, and yet you could do nothing about it.  I've had these feelings many times- and most of them something unfortunate resulted.  So, that's why I prefer to not watch the footage, or hear the screams...at least not on days when I have school work to complete.  When I reminisce it has to be when I have plenty of time to cry my eyes out, and conceal my blushed face. Yesterday, I just could not avoid it; therefore, I cried myself to sleep. 

I prefer not to see the gloom of fire, but the glory that it once was instead.

It doesn't help that for the past week or so, I have had that eerie feeling again.  It's currently inhabiting my chest and my gut, weighing heavy, as if a rock has bound me down.  It's like a trap, moment by moment waiting for it to happen, but uncertain of what "it" might be.  I prefer not to talk about it, writing comes much easier.  I am a firm believer that God works in mysterious ways.

Almost exactly a month before I was diagnosed with Lupus, I was at an all girls all nighter for church.  We watched A Walk to Remember, but I fell asleep within the first ten minutes of the movie.  The next morning the pastor's wife told me that Mandy Moore had literally played the role of a "grown-up Kayla" in the movie.  I didn't know what she meant by that (I assumed it was the slight resemblance between myself and the actress); however, a month later I found myself a patient of chemotherapy treatments.  I finally watched the entire movie about a year after my diagnosis, and I just cried.  How she could have possibly known that a "grown-up Kayla" would be so intense, the LORD only knows.  The disease I face today is not the same that Mandy suffers through in the movie, but yet in many ways it is similar.  The emotions that follow such circumstances are unbelievable, unexplainable, and a bit frightening. 

Very few will understand how this specific scene relates to my life.

Sometimes I feel like God gives us signs, warnings, hints in life.  

Sometimes we chose not to yield the right away.

Sometimes we roll through the stop sign.

I'm asking for special prayer, that whatever this feeling may be, that God will be in charge of it.

I cannot handle it on my own- it's difficult and painful.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe." Proverbs 18:10